Headline on NYTimes.com: “New York to Spend $45 Million to Retrain Laid-Off Wall Streeters.”

The comic in me is ranting: How can you retrain someone who never got proper training in the first place?

The cynic in me is snarkily thinking: Great. More money for disadvantaged bankers. Now, maybe I won’t shoo away so many homeless men using their Hickey Freeman shirts to wipe my car windshield.

The skeptic in me is saying, while shaking my head in disbelief: New York City lost nearly 30,000 financial services jobs since 2007. According to my math, each person will get about $1,500. How long will that last in this city?

The taxpayer in me is whining: Isn’t this the definition of throwing good money after bad?

The barista in me is joyously shouting, as I slip on my apron: Woo-hoo! More lattes for everyone.

The pessimist in me is mumbling: Maybe they should have gotten $90 million.

The investor in me is raving: If we pool that $45 million, we might be able to buy that Pets.com sock puppet.

The haberdasher in me is considering: I wonder if they are going to spend the money on hats?